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Body Image

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I told myself when I created this blog I would be authentic and honest, so here it goes.

I think anyone who would be reading this knows of the “before” me (which really is the same as the “after” me just less fat). But in case you didn’t, here’s where I was at in 2011 vs. 2017(ish)

Anyway, 2021 marks the ten year anniversary of being on a downward/maintaining (with few exceptions) weight trend. It’s a very long story and if you want to hear the bulk of it you can listen to my podcast episode about it.

The long and short of it is I don’t try to over control my diet and just stay really dedicated to working out (for better or for worse). I knew there would come a day that I would get hurt or sick or whatever and wouldn’t be able to maintain the exercise bit, and I have always been deathly afraid of that day. Well… that “day” came when I got COVID in January.

Before I continue, I’ve been asked by doctors if I am like… resentful of the person who gave it to me. And the answer to that is a huge no. It was completely my choice to risk hanging out with a bubble of people and someone in that bubble happened to get it and didn’t have symptoms when we were together. I am pretty shocked I didn’t get it earlier (we lived in an apartment complex in Cambridge with a ton of MGH staff, for one).

I tested positive in mid Jan and over the course of the next few weeks teeter tottered from feeling like I was going to die and wanting to die. It was not fun at all, and very, very scary. I have a whole new empathy for people who have asthma. I don’t know how else to explain it, and this is a very dramatic way of putting it, but I almost feel like I have PTSD from not being able to breathe; any time I get out of breath I get really really anxious about it. I realize it’s not true PTSD, but I don’t know any other word for it. My lungs are still inflamed, but my lung xrays came out clear so no permanent damage and so did my heart EKG. All this to say, exercising has been really difficult.

My mentality for a while was just surviving; I would push any thoughts about weight behind me and focus on being able to walk up and down stairs, go grocery shopping, cook, just get back to living life. Eventually it shifted to, ok, when can I run again? Lift weights? And once I started living again and wearing real clothes… “My pants aren’t fitting very well…” “I’m scared to put on this dress I used to love wearing”. I was on the verge of asking Brian if I could do surgery because I couldn’t bring myself to go through the long process of trying to lose weight again. It was so mentally draining, and in last year I was finally happy with where I was at (Minus some muscle loss from not lifting) that thinking about getting there again and how long it would take was more than I wanted to handle.

I arrived in Hawaii in the midst of all this and you can imagine the amount of “perfect” bodies I saw. It’s really hard to get away from.

I was convinced I had gained at least 20lbs… between vacation and clothes not fitting and not being active for the last five months. I went to the doctor’s for an annual exam and they weighed me. I asked not to be told the weight… I really didn’t want to know the number. The nurse agreed and I went through the whole appointment without hearing. At the end, they print you a summary sheet, and I didn’t know my weight was on it… so I saw it. I am 2lbs heavier than I was in January.

I don’t know what to attribute that to; the amount of muscle I had gained, the amount of time I’ve been at this new set point, the subconscious habits/eating patterns I’ve ingrained… I really don’t. I know that things truly aren’t fitting as well, and that’s a loss of muscle into fat.

This was so mentally freeing, which I’m not proud to admit… it should be “just a number”. But when it’s a number you’ve worked hard for for ten years, it’s a number really, really hard to let go of.

With my new found confidence, I bought a bikini. Maybe I’ll post a picture of me in it, or maybe I’ll save it for strangers who I know I’ll probably never see again…

I also bought a ton of new clothes that work for Hawaii and that fit me very comfortably. I never feel like I’m squeezing in to anything. I’m a huge fan of these loft shorts. They zip but have stretchy section in the back. They pair well with these Luxelift Tanks from Knix which I love because they allow me to go “braless” (one less layer is helpful in keeping cool). They are a little form fitting but need to be to support, but when I wear them I don’t “feel fat”.

I’m back to lifting consistently at a gym by us and our home “gym” is 90% of the way done. I am going on week 4 of lifting 3x/week. I have a truly amazing coach Ted from my old Cambridge Gym (Achieve Fitness, RIP due to Covid) that has been helping me ease back into weightlifting. I’m not sure if he’s taking on new clients but he’ll know people who are if not. My legs are starting to feel strong again and I LOVE IT.

In an odd way, I actually feel like a load is off my shoulders… I haven’t felt pressured to run or hit the peloton or even lift. I don’t think I could go another five months of no purposeful activity without gaining weight, but I now have a lot more confidence in my body to not go immediately back to 2011 Sarah. I actually like that I can prioritize lifting and not be pressured to do that and fit in all the cardio I relied on for so long because it “burns more calories”. I guess to sum it up, I feel like I have more freedom. Freedom to Peloton or go for a sunrise walk… freedom to snorkel or go for a run. I have had a very hard time finding what good could’ve come from me having had COVID, but maybe this is it.

Thanks for hanging with me for this very personal post. I’m off to flex my photography muscles and take some family photos of a sub family leaving Hawaii (they are pregnant with their second!) This is my second family session I’ve ever done… here goes nothing! If they let me post a couple pictures I will.

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When it rains it… rains.

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People have mentioned it rains here a lot and I haven’t found that to be true, but we are in “dry” season. The rain interrupted a BBQ once for all of five minutes…and we’ve had one big storm, a few quick sprinkles, and medium one which is what the following video shows. It lasted maybe ten minutes?

I’m not sure what all the rain hype is about. The discouraging thing about the rain here is it doesn’t cool anything down like it would in New England.

Our landlord is super big on us closing the windows when it rains even during quick bursts, but most of them angle outward or have shutters in front. I can understand during big storms and our big sliding doors, but we haven’t seen anything come through yet. We must have 20+ windows so by the time I finished closing I’d be opening them again. I’ll keep you posted if we end up paying for water damage one day.

In general, it has been really hot lately. You wouldn’t know just by looking at the temperature, but if you were here and noticed the lack of wind which really helps keep things from being insanely sticky you’d understand.

As they say, variety is the spice of life…
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Housing Decor

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The apartment is starting to feel more like Connecticut just in Hawaii. The movers came back and picked up all our boxes. I am missing three big glass mixing bowls and a coffee pot. TBD if they are hiding somewhere or if they went with the boxes…

I don’t really do budgets anyway… but this time in particular I allowed myself to spend on whatever to make this our home. We’ll be here three years, the longest I’ve ever been in one place since living with my parents, so may as well invest like it.

I love supporting small businesses, particularly military spouse owned. The wreath is made by SubVine Design. They are on hiatus for now, they only opened orders for a small window. I can imagine it’s a lot to handle and they might be PCSing. We also purchased a mat from Amazon that’s supposed to help collect dirt (sand). I have learned it’s just a perpetual problem, but we do take off our shoes on this main level to help. I also added a bath mat to the left of this picture to dry our feet. We have a hose outside the front and back doors to rinse our feet off, but then you walk around with wet feet… so I am trying out a bath mat by the door.

When were we officially ready to have guests? Was it when we received the second mattress? No… was it when we received the frame for that mattress and extra sheets? No… It was when we received this welcome mat also from Etsy. You can see another bath mat just inside the door again to wipe off feet.

This was our second big purchase after arrival, a Traeger grill! Dad and mom got this for us as a housewarming gift. The food we have made has come out really delicious every time. I love how easy it is to operate; I’m cooking on it most of the time because Brian doesn’t get home until late. My favorite part, beside the delicious result, is the temperature probe which will alarm when the meat is at a certain temperature.

Related side note. We live in a condominium complex which comes with a condo association which, you guessed it, comes with rules. The first set of rules we were given were very generic. As I bet you imagine, put yourself into a rich peoples’ neighborhoods with high and mighty opinions and those rules start to get more and more strict. We happened to move in two weeks before a new set of rules were released. The rule changed from “allowed to have one grill on Lanai” to “allowed to have one gas or electric grill on the Lanai. No smokers, wood fired, or charcoal grills”. Well… this is a wood fired smoker, technically. I mean are we grandfathered in by two weeks? We dropped a pretty penny on this before we saw the new set of rules. I am just not causing any drama in our complex and praying no one says anything. We think they’re really talking about those stand up smokers and like fire pits… but we don’t know. Please don’t tell our condo association…

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First Guests

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Ty and Megan were our first sleepover visitors! They slept over Friday night on the mattress on the floor. I cooked smoked BBQ chicken for them. They went on the Pillbox hike in the morning, then we all went snorkeling together. It was a ton of fun.

This picture is from us going to another Submarine officer’s house for smoked ribs for a Sunday BBQ. I’m glad I made the effort to get a pic of all four of us together.

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Byodo-In Temple

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Megan has been a great companion to have for the last couple weeks. She’s as adventurous as I am and willing to do just about anything. We had free time one afternoon so we adventured to Byodo-In Temple.

The Byodo-In Temple is located at the foot of the Ko’olau Mountains in Valley of the Temples Memorial Park. It was established on June 7, 1968, to commemorate the 100 year anniversary of the first Japanese immigrants to Hawaii. The Byodo-In Temple in O’ahu is a smaller-scale replica of the over 950-year-old Byodo-in Temple, a United Nations World Heritage Site in Uji, Japan.

It’s really really beautiful. It also acts as burial grounds and accepts all walks of faith; there was a specific area for Catholics. It was really crowded for a Friday afternoon at 2pm. It was $5 to get in. The first thing you do is walk the bridge over the coy pond, which had HUGE coy. Like, could feed a man for a week huge. Didn’t get a picture I guess.

Then you get to a gong. Ringing it is supposed to bring you inner peace and clear your mind before you go into the temple. About 25 ft away was a meditation gazebo. I can tell you not much meditating was happening there.

You then get to walk inside, but have to remove your shoes and carry them through. Amida Budda is inside, and you can light a small stick of incense to place inside an offering pot I guess? This made me uncomfortable in the “thou shalt not have other Gods before me” way so I passed.

On the back side the coy pond continues and there’s more to the temple. There’s a small garden and places to sit. I was trying to get a good picture of a black swan and this budda, but it was in a high traffic area so I couldn’t get the framing right.

Then you wrap around the front and get a gorgeous view of the whole thing.

We spent maybe a half hour there? And went to visit this very pretty garden with ocean view they were advertising, but it was basically just more cemetery plot space.

For $5 it was ok to experience one time. I’ll probably go back with Brian because he has been to Japan and might find it interesting. I generally thought it was over crowded. Very beautiful.

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Surf N Turf 5k 12JUN21

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The Marine corps base near us, which I am pretty obsessed with, has started hosting 5k (3 mile) runs again. The first in the series was a Surf N Turf, so some parts running on the beach and some on normal path. I almost didn’t do it, I didn’t feel ready and hadn’t run since a really bad episode when my breathing was tough a week or two prior. But, we had money invested, it was a fun opportunity, and I went with the goal of completing. And we’re off!

Running (in reality trodding) on the beach was really tough, but I did what I set out to do, which was complete it!

What you can’t see is that my feet are completely wet because I ran too close to the water line. Thankfully things dry. The sand, however, is forever. After the sand portion Brian left me to my own devices…

But he came back for me. I was very comforted by the fact there was a Marine Corps member every ten feet or so… should something have happened I was covered.

My time was atrocious, but it’s a starting point. Can only go up (down) from here. The next one we signed up for is the runway 5k. We get to run on the base’s landing strip! Going to be ridiculously hot but normally this area is off limits to running so I’m in.

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Finding Marilyn Monroe

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During our transition period between Connecticut and Hawaii, we spent time with Brian’s family in California and took a couple day trips. One was to Palm Springs, where there used to be a giant Marilyn Monroe statue with her dress flowing in the air. It’s not there anymore, which was kinda disappointing at the time. But have no fear, we found her in Honolulu… not quite as big but it sufficed.

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Cotton Carrier

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After our road trip it was clear that I needed a better solution to carrying my huge camera that didn’t involve keeping it around my neck or in a backpack. This is where targeted Instagram advertising comes in… I saw an ad for this carrying strap called Cotton Carrier and was sold. It is so helpful in carrying my camera. I wish it would sit a little higher on my body but I think I just need to adjust the straps.

This frees my hands to pick up sea glass or, like in this picture, pick up trash. My schedule has been crazy so I haven’t been in a bit, but when I can I go for walks and take my little grabber and pick up trash. Doing what I can to keep my part of the world a little bit cleaner.

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21JUN21 Summer Solstice edition

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This sunrise was very unique for a lot of reasons. First, my house keys are in Brian’s car which is at the Navy base… not helpful but at least not totally lost.

I think summer solstice was technically yesterday, but this morning some native Hawaiians were celebrating it with a path of flowers on the beach and some chanting. I didn’t take a picture out of respect, but it was neat to see.

The tide was really low, the lowest I’ve seen walking on the beach. This gave a huge opportunity for sea glass collecting. My biggest haul yet!

I was also able to get around a corner where the beach isn’t usually exposed. It still wasn’t, but it was shallow enough for me to try. I could see down the shoreline. I walked quickly for fear of being trapped, but I’d like to go back with Brian.

Here’s a picture from a different day of the reefs sticking out of the water during low tide.

I also saw a new creature. Not sure what it is. Sea snake? ETA- Undulated Moray Eel

And I found a big ish jellyfish. Usually they’re a lot smaller and I almost mistake them for seaglass. These guys do sting and can hurt pretty good. We think Brian experienced it, but not totally sure, and he’s fine now. I haven’t yet and been in maybe a half dozen times? I saw a lot more of them because it’s low tide, but you’ll also see a lot if there has been a storm.

I’m writing to you from our new table top. It’s very pretty particularly when the sun hits it. There are little sea shells and turtles and sand in the epoxy and it looks like the sea.

I had quite the adventure going to the DMV today. First, it’s really hard to get appointments, but I stalked the site like my friend suggested and was bumped from June 29th to today. I had to first get a failed safety inspection for my registration. Well, it also failed for “Tail lamps” except they didn’t tell me. I only saw it when reviewing paperwork. I figured I could get it registered and then go fix it… but nope. So I started crying at the DMV… It’s just so frustrating getting the run around, and in the military we experience it so much more often than most. I went back to the auto place and turns out it was a mistake and I passed… some good news, no repairs needed. The lady at the DMV was nice enough to give me a ticket to come back tomorrow. I filled out a registration application I found online… turns out it’s the application for the Big Island and not Oahu. Now I have to have Brian sign that, even though our title says “OR”, and I should be able to do everything. I tried to use a power of attorney, but turns out you need a specific one for cars, and I don’t have that one. Finally, the transportation service that received our car gave us a Bill of Lading, but didn’t put the date on it… so there’s another form for that and trying to figure out the date. There’s one more form I wanted her to look over before I left, but when I offered it, she said “Oh, you don’t need that”. I DEFINITELY need that form. So here’s to hoping it’s correct tomorrow. What’s more is there is still paperwork for Connecticut we need to deal with. What a circus.

I called a friend really upset and crying after the DMV. She’s a subspouse too, and it’s nice to be able to commiserate with someone who gets the circus we get put through trying to accomplish things. We have to bear the burden because God forbid Brian get anytime off to help.

On the bright side, I received my new camera lens today and can’t wait to start posting zoomed in pictures.

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Makapu’u Point Light 12JUN21

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My capacity for activity is coming back finally. On June 12th we ran a 5k in the morning at the marine corps base (future post topic when we get pictures) and then went and hiked Makapu’u Pont Lighthouse trail. It’s about a mile and half up and about 500ft in elevation. It’s a really nicely paved trail that winds around both sides of the island. The first picture shows the parking lot and looking backward toward where we live. You can just barely see the ocean in the distance. On the way up there are great views of Koko Head Crater.

This is a very popular spot for whale watching when that’s in season (December through April). There’s ocean for days. I guess I didn’t get a picture, but at one viewing point you can see three other Hawaiian islands. This is the first view of the lighthouse you get before reaching the very top.

The two “mokes” that you always see in my sunrise picture are about midway out in this picture. In the very far distance you can see the marine corps base. On the left is what is considered Waimanalo.

Same view but prettier 😉

The path is very dry and hot, so highly recommend doing it when it’s cooler and with sunscreen/sun coverage. However, we did it at 2pm and it was fine. Once you turn to the windward side again it gets breezy.

Very doable walk, just be prepared with sunscreen and water. The views are really beautiful. There are tide pools going down a different path we didn’t really know about, but will go back for. The parking was a little packed but there were spots, I think it’s a high turnover parking lot because the hike isn’t that extensive. Have it on my list to go back to for a sunrise and tide pools.

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